So, you think you know Love?

As we often say in USSR:


Again comrad!

Enough of this!

The cactus speaks


Tell me more...

Ok then...

Up Through The Arsehole!

It's not often a pig like me gets a break, so when one comes along we often take it.

Well not this bloody pig, damn bloody queen of england, who does she think she is lording it over the rest of us like that. Boy, if I could tell her what I thought of her, I'd probably bottle it and say g'day mam. It's true, as much as I like to think about what I'd like to do in certain situations, I know that as soon as I get into one of them I turn into such a shitey little coward that I embarrass passing nuns.

It's ok though, as soon as I get home the bastards get the imaginary beating of their lives. Let me tell you, I've given out more pretend black eyes than you could shake a sloppy turd at. Anyway, as I was saying, opportunities, yes, when that bloody shop assistant asked me if I would like the other half of my two for one Corn Flakes offer I told him to fuck right off!

Pained Problems

Send your disasters to

Dear Pained Pig, I need your help so badly. I can't stop shitting myself in public, everywhere I go I'm sorounded by the stench of my own shit, what should I do? Janty, Belfast

Try sleeping in it. You bloody humans, always winging on about your personal bloody hygiene. Let me tell you, if you had to go through what I have to, even for twenty bloody minutes, you'd soon change your tune oh yes. Now piss off (and wash your ass).
Dear Pained Pig, I really like this boy, but I have no way of knowing if he likes me back. Is there any way I can tell if he does? Claire, Stockport Hmmm, let me think. When ever I feel like a bit of sow, I generally pick one and parade in front of her until she responds (or turns away in disgust), then I jump the one that wasn't looking from behind (apparently you humans have laws against this though). Why don't you try shagging one of his friends instead?
Damnit PainedPig, I've had a bloody headache scince the 5th of january, it's now the 4th of march! what can you suggest pained pig?!? Ben, Leeds Go sit in a small, dark room in the middle of nowhere. Close the door behind you, dont let anyone in and don't come out again. Oh and take some painkillers for the headache.
Dear PainedPig, I live with these two pigs I mean I really can't stand them and they are soo content to live in a pigsty!!! What should I do, how can I tell them about the refined way to live and behave, is there any way to bring joy and culture into their sad little lives?? Please help? Lucy, Glasgow Yes, MOVE OUT.
Dear PainedPig, My eldest brother molested an Israeli boychild using an electric whisk and a harpoon. Should I inform the authorities of his dastardly deed, or bribe a burly Northerner to pummel his honky ass black? Your guidance on this matter would be very much appreciated! Milan, London. Hmmm, I would tend to go for the burly northerner personally. Better yet, why why not attack him while he sleeps and boil his feet? There are so many wonderful ways to kill humans (or mame them if you prefer) why stop at one. Killing humans is a wonderful pass-time and should not be metered out lightly. Have the burly northerner do his worst while you go kill the rest of your family, be imaginative, ensure that they enjoy their deaths and that others will speak about them for years to come. Failing that just have him shot.
Dear PainedPig, I have this guy whom I have no respect for what-so-ever, i let him walk all over me and recently he went after my girl, i can't hit him cos he would just enjoy that and i'm running out of ideas, help me PainedPig. Hmmm, a troublesome one, no doubt. Its always difficult trying to meter out punishment to S&M lovers, however, this pig has been in such situations before. I know exactly how it is, he's bigger than you, and your a shitey little coward who cant hit him in case he hits you back, yes I know it all to well. In these situations it is best to try and annoy the bastard into submission. Play practical jokes on him (but never tell anyone it was you, because he'll come after you). My personal favourite is slipping laxatives into his pint when your out drinking togther.
Dear PainedPig, i keep walking through the city center with a loaded gun down my pants, if i don't fire it soon i feel like i'll explode, what should i do??????? lost in the big wide world somewhere (if u know where pls tell me that too) Tin Tin Tin tin? what kind of name is tin tin? piss off you little sod and stop bothering me with your annoying little problems, what do you think I am, an agony aunt? (try a prostitute for your 'loaded gun' heh)
Dear PainedPig, I'm always constipated round my friends and now they think I'm a geek. What should I do? Is there a pill that can help me? Pete, Homeless Bloody homeless people, running around, asking for money, smelling of shit (I think they get off on it, the sick bastards). Why don't you get a job pete? then you could pay to ask a doctor instead of always asking for a free ride. Wash your ass, you disgust me.
Dear PainedPig, I have a problem, I work a shitty job, that pays fuck all and I hate it, but I have no idea what I should do instead. What do you think? Ruth, Leeds Hmmm, I think your life is an outtake from The Brady Bunch. Is this really the sum of all your problems? Long hours, shit pay, BIG DEAL! You think you've got problems? Look at me, I'm a fucking pig and people keep writing to me for advice.

Its the future?

Hello little soul, I am Mystic Sow. Tell me your worries, and I'll tell you to piss off. Ask me what the future holds, and I might tell you that. Anyway on to the horoscopes...................


Aries Taurus
You will see your life flash past you eyes shortly after uttering the phrase "hey watch this" The last word you hear today probably has some significant meaning, or maybe it doesn't, funny old game this mystery lark.
Gemini Cancer
You go longer without changing your toothbrush than changing the old in your car. SCARY!!!! Watch out for that virgo in your life, he's got a swift left foot.
Leo Virgo
Garlic is a wonderful way to ward of vampires, but it also works on normal people too. Perhaps you should brush more often. The stars fortell of a haemorrhoid with your name on it.
Libra Scorpio
Love is in the air, a mysterious stranger in a black cape will compliment you on your neck. I Don't know about you, but I'm really looking forward to christmas. There's nothing quite like pepper spray and carol singers
Sagittarius Capricorn
That certain someone is hiding something from you, an Adam's apple perhaps? No matter how hard you scrub, that self doubt isn't comming out of your underwear
Aquarius Pisces
You still here? I thought you where dead! No one cares what happens to you.


Aries Taurus
As Jupiter colides with Mars month you may find that small children begin to annoy you, kill them. You'll feel better for it. Do they love you? You've been asking this question a lot recently haven't you. Well the answer is no. You really ought to stop pissing your life away with thoughts like this.
Gemini Cancer
Some one you know will buy a hammer. Ever thought about beastiality? Perhaps you should. It's time to take the bull by the horns, so to speak.
Leo Virgo
Stay in bed this week. Come to think of it, I'll join you. Why are you reading this? You don't believe in all this shit anyway.
Libra Scorpio
The stars tell me that you've been having problems of late. We all have problems from time to time, fortunetly yours can be sorted out by your local GUM clinic. Your feeling that your flatmates don't understand you is correct. This is because neither C++ or HTML are spoken languages.
Sagittarius Capricorn
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck its probably your mother wanting you to tidy your room. Stale bread should make her go away. What a pity you cant photograph your dreams. The porn industry would pay milions to watch what you did to Jenifer last night.
Aquarius Pisces
If you wake up to find a seven foot bird standing over you, it's probably time to stop doing drugs. No one cares what happens to you.


Aries Taurus
Everyone thinks you're a scrouge, but I know you're just poor, repeat after me "Big Issue". Santa never leaves you presents, but the dogs always do. Stop feeding them.
Gemini Cancer
Your children have been stealing from you. Who ate all the pies? You. It would appear you had the cream as well, fat bastard.
Leo Virgo
I asked the stars about you this month, but they just swore at me, lots. Last month was really bad for you, this month will be no better. Happy Birthday.
Libra Scorpio
Like the great big beasties of old, your breath stinks and no one likes you. Sadly your partner will leave you in the next few weeks, fortunately I'm free, so I'll be round for dinner. Mince and tatties will be fine.
Sagittarius Capricorn
Sagittarius, Sagittarius, Comes after scorpio, yes, thats always been your problem hasn't it. Buy some socks, for God's sake it's not like they're expensive.
Aquarius Pisces
If Christmas is a time for children and presents, then August is a time for adults and stealing. No one cares what happens to you.

You can also write to me for a personalised horoscope, but I'll just ignore you. Don't bother.

You utter, utter bastards!

I've had to take down this part, you kept sodding looking at it, you bastards! How can I check my email if you keep stealing all my bandwidth? If you want funny stuff then bugger off somewhere else.

P.S. Hi Ruth

Ladies and GentlePigs, loves...

Ok then...

Look At him,

That fine figure of a man, how can you not love him? That cheeky face, that boyish grin. What a man, what a mighty, mighty, good man. Yes, Ted Danson, Ted, sodding, Danson. He's rich, good looking he's got a degree, women love him, men want to be him (well we do), face it he is wonderful.

My Pictures of Ted

My Poem about Ted

Ted you are so wonderful, you really make me smile,

You tell those funny jokes you do, me laughing all the while,

and when you strike that cheeky grin, it makes my heart go "swoon",

Something, something, something,

something, something, Moon!