Up Through The Arsehole!

It's not often a pig like me gets a break, so when one comes along we often take it.
Well not this bloody pig, damn bloody queen of england, who does she think she is lording it over the rest of us like that. Boy, if I could tell her what I thought of her, I'd probably bottle it and say g'day mam. It's true, as much as I like to think about what I'd like to do in certain situations, I know that as soon as I get into one of them I turn into such a shitey little coward that I embarrass passing nuns. It's ok though, as soon as I get home the bastards get the imaginary beating of their lives. Let me tell you, I've given out more pretend black eyes than you could shake a sloppy turd at. Anyway, as I was saying, opportunities, yes, when that bloody shop assistant asked me if I would like the other half of my two for one Corn Flakes offer I told him to fuck right off!

Pained Problems

Send your disasters to painedpig@fluffybacon.co.uk

Dear Pained Pig,

I need your help so badly. I can't stop shitting myself in public, everywhere I go I'm sorounded by the stench of my own shit, what should I do?

Janty, Belfast

Try sleeping in it.
You bloody humans, always winging on about your personal bloody hygiene. Let me tell you, if you had to go through what I have to, even for twenty bloody minutes, you'd soon change your tune oh yes. Now piss off (and wash your ass).

Dear Pained Pig,

I really like this boy, but I have no way of knowing if he likes me back. Is there any way I can tell if he does?

Claire, Stockport

Hmmm, let me think. When ever I feel like a bit of sow, I generally pick one and parade in front of her until she responds (or turns away in disgust), then I jump the one that wasn't looking from behind (apparently you humans have laws against this though). Why don't you try shagging one of his friends instead?

Damnit PainedPig,

I've had a bloody headache scince the 5th of january, it's now the 4th of march! what can you suggest pained pig?!?

Ben, Leeds
Go sit in a small, dark room in the middle of nowhere. Close the door behind you, dont let anyone in and don't come out again. Oh and take some painkillers for the headache.
Dear PainedPig,

I live with these two pigs I mean I really can't stand them and they are soo content to live in a pigsty!!! What should I do, how can I tell them about the refined way to live and behave, is there any way to bring joy and culture into their sad little lives?? Please help?

Lucy, Glasgow
Dear PainedPig,

My eldest brother molested an Israeli boychild using an electric whisk and a harpoon. Should I inform the authorities of his dastardly deed, or bribe a burly Northerner to pummel his honky ass black? Your guidance on this matter would be very much appreciated!

Milan, London.
Hmmm, I would tend to go for the burly northerner personally. Better yet, why why not attack him while he sleeps and boil his feet? There are so many wonderful ways to kill humans (or mame them if you prefer) why stop at one. Killing humans is a wonderful pass-time and should not be metered out lightly. Have the burly northerner do his worst while you go kill the rest of your family, be imaginative, ensure that they enjoy their deaths and that others will speak about them for years to come. Failing that just have him shot.
Dear PainedPig,

I have this guy whom I have no respect for what-so-ever, i let him walk all over me and recently he went after my girl, i can't hit him cos he would just enjoy that and i'm running out of ideas,
help me PainedPig.
Hmmm, a troublesome one, no doubt. Its always difficult trying to meter out punishment to S&M lovers, however, this pig has been in such situations before. I know exactly how it is, he's bigger than you, and your a shitey little coward who cant hit him in case he hits you back, yes I know it all to well. In these situations it is best to try and annoy the bastard into submission. Play practical jokes on him (but never tell anyone it was you, because he'll come after you). My ersonal favourite is slipping laxatives into his pint when your out drinking togther.
Dear PainedPig,

i keep walking through the city center with a loaded gun down my pants, if i don't fire it soon i feel like i'll explode, what should i do???????

lost in the big wide world somewhere (if u know where pls tell me that too)

tin tin
Tin tin? what kind of name is tin tin? piss off you little sod and stop bothering me with your annoying little problems, what do you think I am, an agony aunt?

(try a prostitute for your 'loaded gun' hehehehe)
Dear PainedPig,
I'm always constipated round my friends and now they think I'm a geek. What should I do? Is there a pill that can help me?

Pete, Homeless
Bloody homeless people, running around, asking for money, smelling of shit (I think they get off on it, the sick bastards). Why don't you get a job pete? then you could pay to ask a doctor instead of always asking for a free ride. Wash your ass, you disgust me.
Dear PainedPig,
I have a problem, I work a shitty job, that pays fuck all and I hate it, but I have no idea what I should do instead. What do you think?
Ruth, Leeds
Hmmm, I think your life is an outtake from 'The Brady Bunch'. Is this really the sum of all your problems? Long hours, shit pay, BIG DEAL! You think you've got problems? Look at me, I'm a sodding pig and people keep writing to me for advice.