Its the future?

Hello little soul, I am Mystic Sow. Tell me your worries, and I'll tell you to piss off. Ask me what the future holds, and I might tell you that. Anyway on to the horoscopes...................

July

Aries Taurus
As Jupiter colides with Mars month you may find that small children begin to annoy you, kill them. You'll feel better for it. Do they love you? You've been asking this question a lot recently haven't you. Well the answer is no. You really ought to stop pissing your life away with thoughts like this.
Gemini Cancer
Some one you know will buy a hammer. Ever thought about beastiality? Perhaps you should. It's time to take the bull by the horns, so to speak.
Leo Virgo
Stay in bed this week. Come to think of it, I'll join you. Why are you reading this? You don't believe in all this shit anyway.
Libra Scorpio
The stars tell me that you've been having problems of late. We all have problems from time to time, fortunetly yours can be sorted out by your local GUM clinic. Your feeling that your flatmates don't understand you is correct. This is because neither C++ or HTML are spoken languages.
Sagittarius Capricorn
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck its probably your mother wanting you to tidy your room. Stale bread should make her go away. What a pity you cant photograph your dreams. The porn industry would pay milions to watch what you did to Jenifer last night.
Aquarius Pisces
If you wake up to find a seven foot bird standing over you, it's probably time to stop doing drugs. No one cares what happens to you.


August

Aries Taurus
Everyone thinks you're a scrouge, but I know you're just poor, repeat after me "Big Issue". Santa never leaves you presents, but the dogs always do. Stop feeding them.
Gemini Cancer
Your children have been stealing from you. Who ate all the pies? You. It would appear you had the cream as well, fat bastard.
Leo Virgo
I asked the stars about you this month, but they just swore at me, lots. Last month was really bad for you, this month will be no better. Happy Birthday.
Libra Scorpio
Like the great big beasties of old, your breath stinks and no one likes you. Sadly your partner will leave you in the next few weeks, fortunately I'm free, so I'll be round for dinner. Mince and tatties will be fine.
Sagittarius Capricorn
Sagittarius, Sagittarius, Comes after scorpio, yes, thats always been your problem hasn't it. Buy some socks, for God's sake it's not like they're expensive.
Aquarius Pisces
If Christmas is a time for children and presents, then August is a time for adults and stealing. No one cares what happens to you.


September

Aries Taurus
You will see your life flash past you eyes shortly after uttering the phrase "hey watch this" The last word you hear today probably has some significant meaning, or maybe it doesn't, funny old game this mystery lark.
Gemini Cancer
You go longer without changing your toothbrush than changing the old in your car. SCARY!!!! Watch out for that virgo in your life, he's got a swift left foot.
Leo Virgo
Garlic is a wonderful way to ward of vampires, but it also works on normal people too. Perhaps you should brush more often. The stars fortell of a haemorrhoid with your name on it.
Libra Scorpio
Love is in the air, a mysterious stranger in a black cape will compliment you on your neck. I Don't know about you, but I'm really looking forward to christmas. Theres nothing quite like pepper spay and carol singers
Sagittarius Capricorn
That certain someone is hiding something from you, an adam's apple perhaps? I'm Complient Aprroved, are you?
Aquarius Pisces
You still here? I thought you where dead! No one cares what happens to you.



You can also write to me for a personalised horoscope, but I'll just ignore you. Don't bother.